Adult Spring Break

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Memorial Day weekend, 2015: It’s time to take a vacation and get away from the dust storms and tumble weeds of West Texas! Jaime and I packed our swimsuits and headed for the Emerald Coast of Florida. We flew the “company plane” of Southwest Airlines into Panama City and rented a car for the forty-five minute drive to the Sandestin Golf & Beach Resort. I like to golf and Jaime likes the beach – Perfect!

We arrived at the condo on Thursday at noon, unpacked our bags, walked to the Beach House, and snagged a table on the patio overlooking the Gulf of Mexico. The view of the white sand beach and emerald water sparkling under the cloudless blue sky was mesmerizing, but my attention was immediately diverted by the loud music coming from the tents near the entrance to the beach. I couldn’t help but notice the young women in thong bikinis drinking and dancing near the tents. Holy shit! Where have I been? The last time I was at the beach, women weren’t wearing thong bikinis! This beats the hell out of watching tumble weeds blow across the barren plains of West Texas!

That evening, we were seated on the patio at Marlin Grill enjoying a glass of wine before dinner. Jaime spotted three young women strolling down the brick-walkway dressed in cutoff jean short-shorts, low cut tops with boobs popping out, and high heels. They were on their way to Rum Runners – a rowdy piano bar – trolling for land sharks! Jaime said, “Did you see those girls? That’s disgusting!” I immediately agreed, “Absolutely Disgusting!!” As the disgusting women passed by our table, our waiter walked up to take our dinner order and Jaime noticed that he was checking out the “bait-in-heels.” She said, “I can’t believe those girls are walking around dressed like that. I thought this was a family resort?” The waiter laughed as he replied, “Didn’t you know Memorial Day weekend is Adult Spring Break, and there will be adult film actors and actresses providing entertainment on the beach.” I thought to myself, “We need to buy a place down here.” And we did!

2023 Adult Spring Break:

Eight years later, here we are, retired and living in Sandestin, getting ready to head to the beach for our eighth Adult Spring Break. When it comes to beach life; we are highly-trained professionals, because if you snooze, you lose, and you’ll end up sitting in the back row with a thousand of your closest smelly friends. We wake up at 6:00AM, meet our beach family at the beach to set up our chairs & umbrellas at the water’s edge, with flags flying, music blaring and alcohol flowing – LET’S PARTY!

The Adult Spring Break tents are set up by the Tiki Hut near the entrance to the beach. Most of the Spring Breakers don’t show up until after lunch – it takes a while to recover from a hard night at Rum Runners! Then the party starts. Beer pong, tequila shots, body shots, and a special kind of ring toss…

Suns Out – Buns Out:

My Favorite Season Is Thong Season! You don’t need a hunting license and there’s no bag limit. However, it pays to be careful when stalking a thong, because there’s usually a big burly steroid enhanced guy nearby just waiting to kick sand in your face! That’s why I disguise myself as a reporter for AARP conducting research for an article about the application of sunscreen on untanned parts of the female anatomy. Who wouldn’t want to help a geezer obtain factual data on such an important topic? It may not work every time, but at least I don’t get sand kicked in my face. Unfortunately, when Jaime looked at the photos on my phone, I found out that the big burly steroid enhanced guys were the least of my worries. It’s difficult to deny what you’ve been looking at when your wife is looking at the photos!

Reno 911:

Anything can happen when alcohol and thongs are mixed with sun and sand, and it did! Suddenly, the intoxicated mob of Adult Spring Breakers rushed from their tents and crossed the beach into the water.  Mothers grabbed their kids and ran for safety under their umbrellas, while their husbands grabbed their cameras so they could document the scantily clad maidens frolicking in the shallow waters of the Gulf of Mexico! Fortunately, Reno 911 dispatched two of its best officers to gain control of the situation and protect the innocent tourists from the mob. One of the officer’s wife asked me to document the scene, in case the photos might be needed as forensic evidence at a later date. Of course, I consented to her request. I will let the photos speak for themselves:

“Murph” WOD:

When I started CrossFit training, it was a tradition to do the “Murph” WOD (workout of the day) to honor our veterans on Memorial Day. “Murph” honors the life of Navy Seal Lt. Michael Murphy, who was killed in action in Afghanistan in 2005. My adopted “beach daughter,” Marla, and my wife, Jaime, challenged me to do the “Murph” WOD this Memorial Day. Challenge accepted – well, sort of. I had to modify the “Murph” – no weighted vest (I’m already heavy enough!) and I broke it up into 20 rounds:

·      2000 meter row (instead of 1 mile run)

·      100 (5 x 20) pull ups

·      200 (10 x 20) push ups

·      300 (15 x 20) air squats

·      2000 meter row (instead of 1 mile run)

After finishing the “Murph,” I laid in a puddle of rum-infused sweat trying to catch my breath while the girls laughed. Finally, they lifted me off the ground so we could take this photo:

Memorial Day:

 We had lots of fun during the Memorial Day weekend, but I would be remiss if I didn’t take a moment to thank all of our veterans for their selfless sacrifice to keep our country free, and to remember the loved ones they left behind in our prayers.” Land of the Free, Home of the Brave.”

Thanks To Our Beach Family:

As Garth would say, “I’ve got friends in low places, where the whiskey drowns and the beer chases…”

A special thanks to my beautiful wife, Jaime, and our Beach Family for making this an awesome Adult Spring Break!

Muchas gracias me amigos y amigas: Marla, our adopted beach daughter; Ann & Richard & daughter, Abigail; Chris & Theresa & her brother, Mike; Lisa & Lan; Michelle & Dennis & daughter, Elise & son, Gavin; Debbie & Greg; Barbara & Damon; Wanda & Pat; Catharine & Donnie; Laura & Jerry; Eileen & Scott; Kimber & Shane; Joyce & Chuck; Judy & Greg; Erlene & Ernie; Kay & Rich

Katy & Scott were missed, they would’ve taken the party to the next level!

Our other beach daughter, Niki, & Heath – on stand-by for the birth of their baby girl!

Shannon & Mark – baking bread?

We also missed Kate & Billy, but not as much as the Tiki Hut missed Billy!

Speaking of the Tiki Hut, here’s my new friend Mady, from Ol’ Miss, who over-served me with Rum Punch! “It was my own damn fault!”

Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

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