“Come on down to the Mermaid Café and I will buy you a bottle of rum, we’ll laugh and toast to nothing and smash our empty glasses down. Let’s have a round for these freaks and a round for these friends of mine. Let’s have another round for the devil who keeps us in this tourist town.” – Joni Mitchell1
This is a semi-fictional story about a beautiful young bartender named Haven that works at the Mermaid Café, a beach bar located on the Redneck Riviera surrounded by high-rise hotels and condos. The Mermaid Café’s patrons tend to change with the season; snowbirds in the Winter, college spring breakers in the Spring, adult spring breakers kick-off the Summer, tourists and families with young kids litter the beach till Labor Day, and the local “frequent fliers” can be found at the bar year-round.
Disclaimer
The characters and events in this story are semi-fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
“The night life, it ain’t no good life, but it’s my life.” – Willie Nelson
Haven started working at the Mermaid Café nine years ago as a hostess. Her work ethic was rewarded with a promotion to server. After working as a server for a couple years, the head bartender, Richard (but his friends call him ‘Big Richard’), asked her if she would like to learn how to bartend. He sent her home to learn how to mix drinks and work on her pour counts. Of course, you don’t learn to swim until you get thrown into the deep end. So, one Sunday afternoon, being the good mentor that he was, Big Richard threw Haven behind the bar, and she’s been swimming like a mermaid for the past six years.
This ain’t the Bar Margot at the Four Seasons in Atlanta, with a polished oak bar lined with patrons dressed in tuxedos and evening gowns. No, this is the Mermaid Café, a beach bar with a painted cement bar and customers who just came off the beach wearing wet bathing suits and covered in sand, and they leave puddles of salt water and sand on the floor, in the chairs, and all over the bar. The sea air has rusted all the exposed metal, rotted the wood, and peeled the paint, causing the place to look like it’s in a constant state of disrepair. But it’s not about place, it’s about people, and the people who work at the Mermaid Café are like family – that’s what makes it such a fun place to hang out!
Their drink menu is littered with rum drinks; Rum Punch, Pain Killer, Mango Tango, Bushwacker, and the all-time favorite, Calypso Punch – after five Calypsos, they may find you passed out on the beach – ain’t that right Beach Daughter! Of course, those who don’t like rum, can always order bourbon, scotch, or beer served in a Red Solo cup, but the refined ladies usually prefer their cheap Pinot Grigio served in dirty wine glasses. Occasionally, some uppity bitches will belly up to the bar with their store-bought boobies and their Botox smiles and order espresso martinis. If they don’t call their liquor, then it’s Haven’s game, so she’ll make the martinis with tequila and serve them in a Red Solo cup, just to remind them that they’re at a Beach Bar! Next time, if they’re smart, they’ll order Sex on the Beach!
Our snowbirds show up in the winter, migrating down from the upper Midwest and Canada. They are on fixed incomes and tend to be more frugal than the New England snowbirds that nest in South Florida. A common trait of snowbirds is that they will steal anything. They steal silverware, wine glasses, condiments, Hell, they will even steal toilet paper out of the restrooms! They’re brazen about it; they just stuff it in their purses and walk out like it’s nothing. If you want to attract snowbirds, just put out a spread of “free food” and $1.00 beer. The place will look like an Alfred Hitchcock movie – step back and try not to get pecked to death! But like feeding a feral cat, after a while you get used to seeing them, and then when they don’t show up you start to worry about them. The good thing is that when the snowbirds migrate north in the Spring, the young girls in thongs migrate to the beach!
My first time at the Mermaid Café, I sat at the bar and Haven greeted me with her “resting bitch face” and piercing brown eyes. She was sizing me up, “Was I there to have fun and be entertained or was I impatient to get my drink and get back to the beach?” No reason for her to waste a lot of energy on me if didn’t want to be there, on the other hand, after I ordered a couple drinks, a smile replaced her “resting bitch face,” and I was entertained with her barroom banter. Isn’t that why we drink at the bar, to be entertained?
Speaking of entertainment, what’s more entertaining than Memorial Weekend’s Adult Spring Break (“AST”)? They let the “ratchets” loose on the beach ready to party – in fact, party is too tame of a word, more like Sex on the Beach, or maybe the hotel balcony! AST is the BEST people watching time, but one time, Haven got more than she bargained for. She was serving tables on the deck overlooking the beach. The sun was setting, so the balconies of the nearby hotel were full of people looking past the Mermaid Café at the spectacular sunset. Haven glanced over at the people on the balconies, and noticed a naked woman inside a room, bent over with her hands on the sliding glass door and a man giving it to her from behind. Haven looked around to make sure there weren’t any kids around, “Mommy, what are those people doing?” When she looked back, the couple was out on their balcony going at it, moaning, groaning, and putting on a show. Everyone stopped watching the sunset and started hooping and hollering at the Sex on the Balcony. Yeah, AST makes for some good people watching, but leave the kids at home!
The tourists come and go, “Tryin’ to cram lost years into five or six days.2” Tourists like to leave their hard-earned money at the bar, but it’s the “frequent fliers” that hold down the fort. They are an eclectic crew of social deviants, but they love Haven. Sometimes, a little too much. Like the creepy old guy that gave her a hug, his aftershave reminded her of her grandpa - yuk, then he whispered in her ear, “Hey babe, how about dinner?” She told him to quit before he fell and broke his hip. Or the good-looking older guy with his facial skin pulled tight and his chiclet teeth radiating from his permanent smile confided to her, “I’ve got lots of problems, but money ain’t one of them.” Nice line! Obviously, he spent a good chunk of money on that face lift. Everybody is looking for the Fountain of Youth. They may think they found it at the Mermaid Café, but the next morning, they’ll look in the mirror and reality will be staring back at them. But tomorrow they’ll be back for more.
Of course, there’s always the relationships that go sideways – the couples that think the grass will be greener with someone else. Haven has seen this happen too often. The first time she noticed that a guy was cheating on his wife, her “girl code” made her feel obligated to tell the wife. Unfortunately, nobody had told her that the bearer of bad news is usually the one that gets shot! “Sorry sister, from now on, you’re gonna have to figure that shit out for yourself.”
Haven had never heard of the 1969 movie, Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice, one of the first, if not the first, movie about “swingers,” but the Mermaid Café provided her with a front row seat for the real deal. There was a “frequent flier” couple that Haven hadn’t seen together in the bar for a while. She would see the wife with other guys and the husband with other women, but not at the same time. She just assumed they were getting a divorce – none of her business. One night they both showed up at the bar at the same time. The wife was sitting outside with a guy, and the husband was sitting at the bar with a girl. Haven could hear both couple’s conversation. The guy told the wife that he tested positive for gonorrhea, meanwhile the girl told the husband that she tested positive for gonorrhea. Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice could only hope that penicillin shots were on the BOGO list. And people thought that shit only happened in The Villages!
Well, it’s time for me to head on down to the Mermaid Café, ask Haven to pour me a cold 30A Beach Blonde, and swap some more stories.
The End
1 Joni Mitchell’s Carey, lyrics slightly modified to fit my story.
2 Jimmy Buffett’s Cowboy in the Jungle.
I hope you enjoyed my story about the Mermaid Café. As always, your comments and questions are welcome. Hit the Comment button below or email me at roger.beachbum@gmail.com
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Damn! With your wide range of story telling subjects you may have overlooked your true calling in life. All well written and attention grabbing start to finish. When is the movie coming out and who’s gonna play your part?
I know that place! 😂🔥🥳🫠🍾😉😁