Merry Christmas & Happy 2024
“Pour me another one, make it a strong one!”
“I’ve got friends in low places, where the whiskey flows and the beer chases my blues away!”
- Garth Brooks
I’m sitting on the white sand beach drinking my Calypso Punch, watching drunk girls in thong bikinis make Tik Tok videos for their future boyfriends, while young boys dig holes in the sand the size of meteor craters, and their moms & dads hide their lobster-like bodies under rented umbrellas. This is my life in Red Neck Paradise!
But paradise isn’t defined by the white sand beaches or the fabulous sunsets or the beautiful golf courses or the half-naked women in thong bikinis dancing on the beach during Memorial Weekend’s Adult Spring Break.
No! Paradise is defined by the friends and family that help make our journey through life FUN! And I want to take this moment to thank YOU – our friends and family – for making this life Paradise!
People ask, “Since you’ve retired, do you play golf every day?” Hell no! That would be work, and I’m retired! However, I did join a golf group named the TURDs (Tired, Unemployed, Retired, Dudes) organized by Billy Roberts. I met Billy in the restroom at the golf course and he asked me if I had five dollars. I started to punch him, then he said I needed five dollars to join the TURDs. That was the best five dollars I’ve spent. I get to play golf three days a week with a great group of guys with the best stories. Thank you, Billy!
Meanwhile, Jaime is active volunteering in the community – imagine that! – on the board of our HOA and on the board of the Architectural Review Board for Sandestin Owners Association. She also organizes lots of activities for our “Beach Family” of friends and her Sunday Brunch group, the “Brunch Belles.” Not to mention book club with the “Baytowne Bookies” and decorating the neighborhood for Christmas with the “Glitter Grinches.” In her spare time, she makes sure that Ziva, Gibbs, and I get fed!
This year, I started publishing my stories on Substack. In honor of my father, I used his infamous segue, Let Me Tell You A Story, as my headline. So far, I’ve published 52 stories – some are funny, some are serious, and some are just plain silly. But what else could I do in retirement, besides golf? So, I sit at my laptop and write stories, and most of them are true. It beats the hell out of therapy!
Last December, Jerry & Laura and Scott & Eileen hosted their first annual Ho! Ho! Ho! Golf Tourney and Drink-a-Thon. After doing Fireball shots after almost every hole, I don’t remember much about the golf. However, I do remember that I started the day wearing a Titties golf cap – with Titties written in the same script as Titleist. So, a golfer would see “Titleist,” and a non-golfer would see “Titties.” The post-golf festivities were held at the Beach House. I still had my golf cap on when I went to the bar to order my fifth Rum Punch, the cute little brunette bartender said, “I’ll give you twenty dollars for that golf cap.” After looking at her chest, I said, “Honey, titties cost a lot more than twenty dollars!” She got my golf cap. I didn’t get twenty dollars.
Just like last year, we started the year at the 30A Singer/Songwriters Festival with Chris, Momma T, Billy, and Kate for three days of non-stop rockin’ & rollin’. This year, we saw Jeffrey Steele three times and I’m sticking with my story, he’s the must-see act of the festival! Last year, I said that we made it to the finish line, and nobody got hurt. This year let’s just say nobody went to jail or the hospital. But that’s rock & roll!
We traveled to South Carolina to visit one of our beach daughters, Niki, and her husband, Heath. We attended Heath’s retirement party – 25 years in law enforcement, 23 years in the York County Sherriff’s Department and SWAT team. Heath, thank you for your service! A few months after the retirement party, a stork visited Niki and Heath and blessed them with a baby girl, named Dale. She’s a cutie pie!!
While we were in the South Carolina, we stopped by to visit our other beach daughter, Marla, and her two girls, Mali and Olive. I was surprised to find out that Marla could cook. In fact, she made us some killer corn bread – said it was her momma’s recipe! For the oenophiles out there, I found out that Pinot Noir pairs well with corn bread!
Speaking of wine, we made our second trip to the World of Pinot Noir Festival in Santa Barbara. If you like wine, then I highly recommend you put this on your bucket list. Every Pinot Noir label was represented. They gave us a wine glass and it was off to the races. It took me three days to get the purple stain off my teeth! The next day, we made the 30-minute drive to Buellton and had dinner at The Hitching Post II steak house made famous in the movie Sideways – I told Jaime, “If you order Merlot, I’m outta here!”
We were Jones’n for some good Mexican food – not a Taco Bell that served margaritas, aka Cantina Laredo. So, on our way to Santa Barbara, we had the plane drop us off in Santa Fe for some real Mexican food at The Shed. I had steak & enchiladas, washed down with three-margaritas (three is their limit for a reason!), then topped it all off with a hot fudge sundae for dessert! I was back at The Shed for lunch; blue corn chicken enchiladas, Christmas style, hit the margarita limit again, and another hot fudge sundae! There’s nothing better to get tequila out of your system than a massage at 10,000 Waves. After the massage, I ran into a 70-year-old naked woman in the sauna! What do you say to a naked woman in the sauna? How about a margarita!
We made a surprise visit to see my son, James at his new brewery & burger location in Bellingham, WA. He started Structures Brewery eight years ago at its downtown location, and just opened the second location where Wharton Creek empties into Bellingham Bay – a stunning view of the bay! He put in a lot of hard work and sleepless nights expanding Structures Brewery into two locations – I’m very proud of his accomplishments! Jaime and I enjoyed having dinner and catching up with James and Alex. Look forward to our next visit, and a cheeseburger and a beer!
It was wine festival time in paradise. Jim & Pam joined our beach family for a day of debauchery at Sandestin’s Wine Festival. The wine wasn’t great, but our friends were fantastic, and that’s what matters! After a week of detox, Toni & Howard joined our beach family for a full-frontal assault on Grand Blvd’s Wine Festival. The wine was better, and our friends were woderful. At one point, Eric ditched his wife, Keisha, while she was in the restroom so he could join us for a group photo. Keisha showed up just as we finished with the photo. I knew she wasn’t happy when she dropped the “Hard – R” on Eric, more than once! He took it like a man and offered to buy her a drink – wait a minute, drinks were free! Another “Hard – R.” Put the shovel away and quit digging!
What would Adult Spring Break be without Marla? Some of you already know the story, but if you don’t, a little over five years ago, we found Marla washed a-shore after a life-threatening encounter with the rum-nymph Calypso. We adopted the poor girl and raised her as our beach daughter. Adult Spring Break is crazy – anything can happen when alcohol and thongs are mixed with sun and sand, and it did! Unfortunately, when the tide went out, I found Jaime and Marla in the custody of two Reno 911 officers.
In July, during the heat of the summer, one of our A/C units cratered. Cha ching! A week later, a flat tire. Heck, let’s replace all four tires. Cha ching.! A week after that, the car’s A/C cratered, and we were scheduled to go to Atlanta the following week to see a couple of Braves games with Chris & Teresa. The good news, Chris was able to get us an appointment with his buddy at the GMC dealership. The bad news, we had to drive six hours without A/C in 100-degree heat to get there. Brought back memories of when cars didn’t have A/C! Billy saved the day with cold beer and sandwiches at his Old Towne Tavern – best food & drinks & the cutest bartenders in Atlanta! But we came to see ballgames, and Ronnie was the hostess with the mostess as she hauled us to the ballgames and treated us to food and drink at the Truist Club. Chris’s buddy fixed the A/C – Cha ching! – but we enjoyed the climate-controlled ride home!
Guess who turned 69? I wasn’t surprised that I turned 69 (well, maybe), but I was surprised when Jaime threw me a Tequila & Sushi Taco Party at the Beach House! The usual suspects and their parole officers were in attendance. Nobody got hurt.
The following week, we flew to Houston to celebrate my birthday with Toni & Howard. Mexican food at La Chingada (don’t Google it!) and drinks & laughs at Drunk Shakespeare. Then three rounds of golf in 100-degree heat – Howard almost passed out after making a par putt on 17, because of dehydration, not because he was surprised when he made his only par of the day!
Stu & Diana’s youngest daughter, Madison, was getting married in Oregon! We packed our “Sunday-go-to-meeting” clothes and off we went to Oregon’s Willamette Valley (pronounced Willamette – “dammit”) for the wedding and a little wine tasting. We stayed in a historical Victorian home in Silverton with Gordon & Helen and Ronnie. (Stu, Gordon, Brian (Ronnie’s husband) and I all played in the Braves organization at the same time.) The “historical” house turned into an “hysterical” house with a bunch of ex-baseball players drinking and telling stories. But when it was game time, the ball players and spouses rose to the occasion to help Stu & Diana and their family make sure everything was ready for Madison and Jake to tie the knot! Don’t worry, be happy!
Yo, Ho, Ho, and a bottle of Rum, we’re sailed the Amalfi Coast with Will & Alison (Captain & Tennille) and the rest of the Pirate Crew – Steve, Jane, Traci, Michelle, and John. Seven days on the water in a 45’ catamaran, stopping in Procida, Ischia, Capri, Amalfi and Positano. The adventure ended in Sorrento with a day trip to Pompeii. If you’re interested, I documented our tirp in my four-part series on Substack that starts with “Odyssey On The Amalfi Coast.”
Toni & Howard returned for November’s “Drunk Week” which began on the 8th with Jaime’s birthday, the 9thwith Toni’s birthday, then the 10th with our Anniversary. What could possibly go wrong? Well, that’s Howard & Toni with the monkey on our Christmas card, so ask them what could go wrong! Howard & I played golf three days while Toni & Jaime went to the spa and shopped and shopped and shopped some more! Apparently, shopping is a sport, and our wives are highly trained professionals. Of course, there was mandatory dinner & dancing at the Ocean Club (aka “The Wrinkle Room”), an evening at Red’s Fueling Station “Drink Up Pussies,” not to mention the multiple bottles of red wine followed by several bottles of Tylenol and Pepto Bismol. Nobody died! November ended with Donna visiting us for Thanksgiving, and tried her best to help Jaime spend money shopping!
Our Christmas celebrations began with the Annual “Tree Hopping.” It has been reported that “Tree Hopping” was a long-standing tradition that originated on the frozen tundra of Wisconsin and was smuggled to the civilized world of Florida by Scott & Katy. As you would expect of any tradition that originated in Wisconsin, it involves drinking mass quantities of alcohol – in this case, while looking at a Christmas tree. The “Tree Hoppers” (Scott & Katy, Pat & Wanda, Lan & Lisa (Lisa in spirit only), Dennis & Michelle, and Jaime & me) hopped from house to house, looked at each other’s Christmas trees, and drank mass quantities of alcohol! Nobody died, we only felt like it the next day.
Unfortunately, this year we couldn’t coordinate schedules with my daughter and son-in-law, Joni & Stephen, and grandkids, James & Catherine this year. But Joni & Stephen were kind enough to send us photos and videos of James playing football (soccer) and running cross-country, and Catherine baking, singing, playing sports, and making lots of friends at her new school. Being great parents is hard work, and we are very proud of how hard Joni & Stephen work to make sure James and Catherine stay engaged academically, physically, and socially! We look forward to making a trip to the UK to see them in 2024!
I’ll end with a photo of my 2024 flag football team - my guys aren’t big, but they’re slow!
Merry Christmas & Happy 2024!
Vaya Con Dias,
Roger, Jaime, Ziva & Gibbs