Spring Break On The Emerald Coast

This is the Beach Bum’s update from the Emerald Coast in Baja Alabama (aka the Red-Neck Riviera) regarding Spring Break.

The Snowbirds are still roosting – a bunch of pasty white geezers from the North country stealing silverware from our restaurants and leaving their dirty Depends on the floor of the restroom stalls. Meanwhile, the colleges have emptied a bunch of wannabe juvenile delinquents on our beaches, leaving a trail of used condoms and empty beer cans on their journey to “find themselves.”

You may think of Spring Break as a one-week vacation for your kiddos; however, for us, it is a two-month invasion of underage minions, financed by their parents, to wreak havoc on our beautiful beach communities.

Each of the local restaurants and bars will have a list with the dates when each college has scheduled its Spring Break. So, every week for about two months a new army of college students invade our beach communities.

FYI – by unanimous vote, the worst Spring Breakers are from LSU, and the Geaux Tigers take great pride in the fact that they are the #1 troublemakers on the Red-Neck Riviera!

I honestly don’t know why anyone would want to come here for Spring Break. Our weather can be dicey in the spring. We have some nice days in the 70s, but yesterday the low was 42 and the high was 52 with a 20mph wind from the north. Earlier in this week, we had thunderstorms. Not to mention the water in the Gulf is cold in the spring, which may not make a difference if you have enough anti-freeze in your system. I could say that I felt sorry for the Spring Breakers who spent their parent’s money for a beach vacation on the Red Neck Riviera only to get hypothermia, but I would be lying!

After a week of drunken debauchery and beach house orgies, most of these underage minions with their sunburned bodies and bloodshot eyes will return to their college dorm rooms in time to take their final exams. However, the unlucky few will get to extend their Spring Break in a Walton County jail cell.

Here are some Facebook posts by the Walton County Sheriff’s Office regarding kids from my least favorite schools, the University of Texas, University of Alabama and Oklahoma State University.

If you’re not familiar with the area, Walton County includes the communities along 30-A and Miramar Beach. These are mostly higher rent communities. West of Walton County is Okaloosa County, which includes Destin and Ft. Walton Beach, which typically has lower rent options for the Spring Breakers. Unfortunately, for those parents who thought they saved money by renting their kiddos a party house on Okaloosa Island, odds are that they will be spending a little extra rent for the Airbnb at the Okaloosa County Sheriff’s jailhouse. (See below)

The truth is that the communities along the Emerald Coast are sick and tired of the Spring Breakers getting drunk, tearing up rental properties, and terrorizing families that came here to enjoy the beach. Consequently, many of our beach communities have made it illegal for Spring Breakers to have alcohol on the beach and have instituted curfews for underage kiddos. As you can tell from the Facebook posts by the Sheriff’s office, the cops greatly enjoy enforcing these laws.

Since the Emerald Coast is turning a cold shoulder to Spring Breakers, I might suggest that you consider sending your kiddos to the warmer weather and more welcoming beach activities at Daytona Beach. I understand that Daytona Beach canceled their wet t-shirt contest and replaced it with a mass MMA cage fight on the beach with semi-automatic fireworks. Now that sounds like fun and almost as exciting as spending your Spring Break in Mexico – where “you can check in, but you may never leave.”

Just remember, “Scars are like tattoos, but with better stories.” I would be surprised if most Spring Breakers don’t come home with both.

Postscript

Let me apologize to my golf buddies – when I went to the beach, it was too cold for the co-eds to be sporting thong bikinis, not to mention that I couldn’t feel my fingers to snap a photo anyway. So, you’ll just have to use your imagination!

The End

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